Yet another unexpected delight of this unique unfolding event (yep, the wedding) is just how cleansing the process is. And "unexpectedly" is exactly how such things have arrived.
Cathartic delights are upon me. Its hard rubbish collection time (only happens once a year in the mountains in which we reside) and the cathartic outpourings of a natural purger are enraptured. Old mattresses, boxes and bags of miscellaneous rubbish, tiny push bikes (still usable, so they're up on the roadside with matching still functional bike helmets), wheelchair arms removed upon delivery and never used... its a melange of wondrous abandonment :) And as I am there at the roadside, carefully positioning items, making them look pretty to those that may wish to make treasure of my trash, a thought occurs... Should I formally cast off the closing of this chapter in life?
Should I cast off what it has been to be alone for many years? Alone with 3 kids, one severely disabled, running an international business and all that goes with it: the clinic here in Melbourne, the courses, the travel, the books, etc.
Each involved with this wedding, however involved they are, have invested in it their own emotional endeavors. Naturally. Rite of passage like this have the ability to cause all to take stock at some level. As the event itself draws nearer a funnel-like effect develops and the intensity in the agendas at work condenses. I see in me plainly as much as I observe it around me.
I see it in the events unfolding, the lessons intensifying, the demands grappling more urgently. The rising waves of grief gripping me. The mental strength demanded for my patience to withhold. I see it in the dance of a heart once shackled.
A long time ago now I married a good friend (Do not do that. Love is real.) . Years later, out of the blue, he chose to leave us. In hindsight it was more premeditated on his part than that but at the time it was unexpected. We were alone: all money "disappeared" and inaccessible, pregnant, 2 babies, one with disabilities...wow, it was scary.
Simultaneously I am feeling the bitterness (several years overdue) and the bliss of the end of this chapter.
In a matter of days I will walk down an aisle into a sacred union with the greatest man I know. From the first, my heart has always been his. In a few days my vow and pledge will be before you all.
I had long ago given up any belief that this could be. A few years ago one of my greatest friends and colleagues, Jainee, and I came to the conclusion that it must be that we were married to our work. I then selected my heart become chaste, closed to any but always giving where it could.
For years.
Then out of nowhere a hand plunged into the dark chasm of this decision, gripping my heart and drawing it into light. Within days, (I often wonder if it was the same day) the same occurred for my friend.
I place ring upon that hand in a few days.
Should I formally cast off the closing of this chapter in life? Perhaps through ritual or process? Perhaps it was closed for me.
Or perhaps in these very musings, as I cast memory to the curb, someone may find treasure in my trash,
and too, reprieve their heart from Love's chastity.
For I was wrong: believe.
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