"...and obey."
I recently commented on a genuine friend, the wonderfully intelligent and fabulous journalist, Helen Barradell's, status on facebook:
"The emasculation of man over the past several decades is one of this planets greatest imbalances and perhaps core to our race's demise."
The approach of nuptials and the chosen venue for the vows had required we attend premarital counselling via an age-old religious doctrine housed within this hallowed venue: the church.
Those of you that know us know well enough that we both walk solidly in spirit and as such we both relished the opportunity to dance amid this atop of ancestry and history.
The church was onto us immediately, it seems, for we were separated from any "group" counselling invitation and offered a rare opportunity to undergo the sessions privately with the upper hierarchy of the establishment.
The first session left us divided in expression as we departed it.
I was appalled, saddened, disgruntled. Ferg: bemused.
One thing was plain: this church's view of marriage was not at all as either of us had ever seen it.
A little backtrack: the precedent working with us , a minister within the cathedral itself, was a woman. Plain in her countenance, her dress, her manner was the battle she had fought, and the strength she had summoned for it, for her place in this political community. Even more so was this battle plain in her approach to marriage. It is a battle that plainly is still present among us, but so much a common part of us that we don't really pay it much attention. These changing times have, as with all things caught in this acceleration, brought this to the fore...
I recently commented on a genuine friend, the wonderfully intelligent and fabulous journalist, Helen Barradell's, status on facebook:
"The emasculation of man over the past several decades is one of this planets greatest imbalances and perhaps core to our race's demise."
The approach of nuptials and the chosen venue for the vows had required we attend premarital counselling via an age-old religious doctrine housed within this hallowed venue: the church.
Those of you that know us know well enough that we both walk solidly in spirit and as such we both relished the opportunity to dance amid this atop of ancestry and history.
The church was onto us immediately, it seems, for we were separated from any "group" counselling invitation and offered a rare opportunity to undergo the sessions privately with the upper hierarchy of the establishment.
The first session left us divided in expression as we departed it.
I was appalled, saddened, disgruntled. Ferg: bemused.
One thing was plain: this church's view of marriage was not at all as either of us had ever seen it.
A little backtrack: the precedent working with us , a minister within the cathedral itself, was a woman. Plain in her countenance, her dress, her manner was the battle she had fought, and the strength she had summoned for it, for her place in this political community. Even more so was this battle plain in her approach to marriage. It is a battle that plainly is still present among us, but so much a common part of us that we don't really pay it much attention. These changing times have, as with all things caught in this acceleration, brought this to the fore...
Only last week at the meeting for the Order of Service with the church did the need for us to speak up become a necessity. The church immediately and, for the first time, quite passionately tried to dissuade us from our choice of service: a beautiful, linguistically luscious service worthy of the mystic warrior I am pledging to.
"Um...no." A pause as she glanced from Ferg (sitting back, arms folded and intimidating in his silence) to me, desperately trying to be patient,
"No," slight scoffing," Melissa, I think you should consider one of these.."
She pulls out a couple of alternative, more "modern", ready-to-go marital orders of service.
" This one is the one you'd know: its from 1962, the modern service and commonly used for some time, although, this..."
She drops volume with a flourish on her unkempt desk, "Is the Australian version, updated and released in 2005."
Her triumphant smile shows not a flicker of doubt that, of course, we would choose this one.
As she expands upon the brilliance of this choice of service, her pitch enthusiastic and true, we simultaneously lean over the desk, perusing her preferred versions. We look at one another, smiling, and gently lean back into our seats,
"We'd like the 1662." Ferg.
"But the Australian version..."
"We aren't being married in an Australian church."
She's confused. Yes, granted, the building is in Australia, the church does not originate from this country.
Me, "We'd like the 1662."
A cacophony of emotions run a sequence of shadows across her face in a moment.
"The version from 1962 is still commonly used, let me go over it..."
But the dawning of change was upon humanity , even in our slowed society, in the 60s. The "age of Aquarius" was on approach, the feminine rising, bras were burnt, men cooked their own dinner... and the balance of the sexes became a political game in a struggle for power. "Feminism" rose, hostilities were born is claims of "equality" and in those claims no foundation of being equal could be found.
In short, we did not want an order of matrimony founded in an era of gender power and politics.
"Marriage is not the "partnership" in compromise people continue to refer to.
It is unity. Duo Incarne Uno, "two become one" as was always foretold.
A balanced unity where each is as essential as the other, and appropriate in their presence. Love is still real."
"But Melissa, you will vow to "obey" him! "Obey!". In the service it says, "and obey"." She looks me in the eye, "You don't want to do that."
Me, "And he will "serve and cherish" me."
In our minds we, Ferg and I, understand these vows from where they dawned: 1662. When "obedience" was to clan, tribe, community and family. Where, as has always been the case, the women were the spiritual keepers of the clan, as the men were the pinnacle to the survival of it. "Man" was guardian to the spiritual, just as "woman" was obedient to the survival and keeping of the people. All was in balance.
Recent times. The past several decades have seen a travesty in that "balance". A skew as the feminine power rose, the kundalini shifting from Tibet to South Amercia, the age indeed of Aquarius, has risen fear in the man and so it should...they have been denied the very power they need to hold.
"You are being dogmatic about this. I cannot change the service. I cannot change the words. You would say "and obey"." She's standing behind her desk now, going for authority in her body language and nervously picks at her underwear.
I gently concede, "If it is so disturbing to you, I'm happy for you to remove those two words."
"I can't change the service!"
"Then it is not I that is being dogmatic." I quietly say with a smile.
Her passionate war is her own as she leans in on Ferg, looking for his support...for only a second or two before she realizes...
Firmly, unhappily, she is absolute in her tone as she departs,
"I'm going to leave you to think about this. And I hope you do just that."
I hope we all do ;)
MH 2011
Postscript: not only did this minister do the 1662 for us on the day, but she did it magnificently with such sacred beauty and spiritual eloquence...I will always hold her dear to my heart :) M
"But Melissa, you will vow to "obey" him! "Obey!". In the service it says, "and obey"." She looks me in the eye, "You don't want to do that."
Me, "And he will "serve and cherish" me."
In our minds we, Ferg and I, understand these vows from where they dawned: 1662. When "obedience" was to clan, tribe, community and family. Where, as has always been the case, the women were the spiritual keepers of the clan, as the men were the pinnacle to the survival of it. "Man" was guardian to the spiritual, just as "woman" was obedient to the survival and keeping of the people. All was in balance.
Recent times. The past several decades have seen a travesty in that "balance". A skew as the feminine power rose, the kundalini shifting from Tibet to South Amercia, the age indeed of Aquarius, has risen fear in the man and so it should...they have been denied the very power they need to hold.
"You are being dogmatic about this. I cannot change the service. I cannot change the words. You would say "and obey"." She's standing behind her desk now, going for authority in her body language and nervously picks at her underwear.
I gently concede, "If it is so disturbing to you, I'm happy for you to remove those two words."
"I can't change the service!"
"Then it is not I that is being dogmatic." I quietly say with a smile.
Her passionate war is her own as she leans in on Ferg, looking for his support...for only a second or two before she realizes...
Firmly, unhappily, she is absolute in her tone as she departs,
"I'm going to leave you to think about this. And I hope you do just that."
I hope we all do ;)
MH 2011
Postscript: not only did this minister do the 1662 for us on the day, but she did it magnificently with such sacred beauty and spiritual eloquence...I will always hold her dear to my heart :) M
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